“Finding yourself is not really how it works. You aren’t a ten dollar bill in last winter’s coat pocket. You are also not lost. Your true self is right there, buried under cultural conditioning, other people’s opinions, and inaccurate conclusions you drew as a kid that became your beliefs about who you are. Finding yourself is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering of who you were before the world got its hands on you.” By Emily Mcdowell
Well, this really shakes me up! I’ve been trying to figure out my true purpose and who I want to be moving forward. Now I feel like I might have been doing this with our ever really knowing where I come from. I have made an attempt to get answers about my origins through finding my birth-mother and through ancestry.ca, but neither really told me who I was when I was being fully me. My birth-mother has no clue to my experiences and nor do genetics. Neither was part of my early or formative life.
My gut is telling me I was most purely me last about 4 or 5 years old. I’ve been frustrated and bothered that I cannot clearly remember anything from those years. I’ve seen pictures, but I can’t feel myself from that time. My gut also feels like it was around this time that life started pulling me away from who I was. I can’t change that, so I refuse to blame anyone for that. What I want is to feel myself from that time and know myself from that time. Continuing with my gut reflections, the words that come to me are: curiosity, creativity, innocence. Innocence is the one I feel causes the struggle I am in now. Why does it feel like there’s a judgement against being innocent? Hmmm…
I’ll meditate on innocence and explore the first impressions that came to mer from this word. Mostly on why I feel the guiding angels telling me that innocence is part of the pure trust and faith I need to manifest my dreams. Amazingly, I feel things unraveling and it’s good.