Reiterating my fears in my own voice is a habit of comfort.

I tell them to myself to avoid giving effort to any challenge.

These are my excuses and protections against failure.

If I don’t try, I can’t fail.

This feels like an undigested lump in my stomach.

I feel the anxiety rising up between my esophagus and spine, into my head.

It makes my head feel fuzzy and unfocused.

I dislike this fuzziness and no longer want it to stop my progress forward.

Looking at it from outside myself seems to be pushing the fog down

Or away,

But the anxiety remains.

In saying to myself,

“I can use that anxiety as motivating energy”

My ears begin to ring and it is starting to feel more like excitement.

This is all in my head now…

Right under my skullcap.

Like a thin cloud of vapour trying to find the way out.

So why do I share my fears with myself?

It’s an old habit of protection against making efforts to learn…

Against possible failure.

I’ve thrown the baby out with the bath water

And limited my learning.

I feel the pressure of shedding light on this now.

It is in conflict with my desire to learn.

I cannot learn without trying.

Learning is empowering

Not limiting.

So what if I make a mistake along the way.

I can learn from it and grow.

There we go, the vapour has found its escape hole.

Logic

And emotion have combined to embrace a growth mindset.

Understanding, the core of this is hard to admit.

It seems external to myself.

I am blaming others

While blaming myself?

Allowing their opinions discourage my explorations

And learning process.

Am I afraid of judgements from others?

The habit is in allowing limiting beliefs become a security blanket,

An excuse for not trying

For not getting out of old comfort zones

For not growing…

This is in direct conflict with my desire to explore and experience everything.

I must remind myself

It’s ok if others don’t approve.

Their approval has nothing to do with my desire

Or my ability to learn and grow.

I hear my courage mantra

From deep in the back of my head

It’s coming on stronger with each repeated shout

Now it’s coming from my heart

Feeling tight

Feeling like it’s ripping free from a tissue paper prison…

Ripping up

Ripping through

Shouting with greater and greater clarity

“JUST DO IT!

For the love of God, Just Do It!!!”

by M. Perron (originally written on April 13th, 2017)

Notes:

When we shed light on the darker corners of our souls we always find amazing things.

Special thanks to my friend, Berel Michael Weiner, who put me on this new path of self-awareness… I am so grateful to be climbing The Ladder with his help.

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