Half way through the X-mas break and my To Do list of nonsense is expanding beyond reason. Turns out, I’ve only been contemplating my navel.

In about a week, my 21-week series on daily quotes will come to an end and I frankly have no clue what I’ve learned from the process. Partly because I have been a master procrastinator when it comes to actually reflecting upon my growth. I was hoping for some great epiphany and/or some spark of brilliance that would endear me to the world. If I’m being honest with myself, I was hoping for the external validation of fame (and possible some angel invester so enamoured with my writing that they would fund my work for the next two years!!! 😉😉)

Ok, so I finally started painting Sawsan’s elephant painting. I dragged my feet for months on that and I’m still punishing myself with overthought on it. Ok, so I finally painted the office and helped turn it into a Zen den… there’s still a little work to do there, but it isn’t my Zen Den, so I won’t use that for introspection. Ok, so I have several sketchbooks on the go, and loads of research done to inspire the eventual work in them, but little motivation to focus and start. Ok, so I have a growing list of ideas for blog series (including this CMN, idea), but will I really follow through? I realize in looking back over the last year that I haven’t kept up most of the plans I intended to grow. That bothers me too much! Thank you to Mark Manson for helping me define what F***s to give and this is possibly not one of them! So, I’ve been sending out endless, half-hearted CVs for part-time jobs to help cover the expenses of being a full-time student again. F***! I was even turned down by Walmart. I lie to myself that it’s because I’m over-qualified or some crap like that, but I know it’s because I really don’t want it! My pride is in the way, I (over)think.

Amazing how all roads lead back to the one question I have become so bleeping good at avoiding to answer!!! What do I want?

Watch TV? So what, then what?

Win the lottery? So what, then what?

Teach & inspire others? So what, then what?

Make art? So what, then what?

It turns out that the second part of the question is where I am failing and I know it to my core! The block is so strong that I wonder why I have such a resistance to answering it!

I need help!

I take in loads of affirmations daily, read and/or listen to great advice from Gary Vanyerchuck to Russell Brand and still, I manage to avoid practiving what they offer. What the F***? Why do I avoid practicing good advice for myself? I sure as hell have an easy time giving it to others, when asked for it! What am I resisting?

2020 is a big year, or so all the marketing affirmations on Instagram will have us believe. I want to make it so! Mark Manson made me realize I’m one of the two “entitled” types; the self-depricating, self-victimizing kind (F*** Me!!!). I want that to change! I’m putting it out there and asking for help to make it happen for us all. Let’s make those marketing ass hats right and see 2020 as the best year yet!

Wishing everyone (including myself) and amazing, introspective, growth-filled, and prosperous year! Happy New Year!!!

Ps: You might be seeing more blogs starting with “CMN”. Hey, maybe contemplating my navel is a strength I need to accept!

RAWR… I Think


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