For the next few months I will be posting observations that follow the discussions sessions between myself and my mentor, Berel M. Weiner for our book project, tentatively called: “The Ladder of Awareness: The Process of Being Your Truth.” 

These are my thoughts and feelings following each session and have already begun to change with each new week of discussion. Some of my notes are raw and vulnerable, which is valuable to the method. I ask you to be patient with your comments as the process will reveal itself in the end. Your feedback is very welcome and we encourage you to write them from a place of feelings, instead of thoughts.

Thank you.

M.

Day one – April 13th, 2017

1-Why am I sharing my fears with myself as if they are truth?

Reiterating my fears in my own voice are a habit of comfort. I tell them to myself to avoid giving effort to any challenge. These are my excuses and protections against failure. If I don’t try, I can’t fail. This feels like an undigested lump in my stomach. I feel the anxiety rising up between my esophagus and spine, into my head. It makes my head feel fuzzy and unfocused. I dislike this fuzziness and no longer want it to stop my progress forward. Looking at it from outside myself seems to be pushing the fog down or away, but the anxiety remains. In saying to myself, I can use that anxiety as motivating energy my ears begin to ring and it is starting to feel more like excitement.

This is all in my head now… right under my skullcap. Like a thin cloud of vapor trying to find the way out. So why do I share my fears with myself? It’s an old habit of protection against making efforts to learn… against possible failure. I’ve thrown the baby out with the bathwater and limited my learning. I feel the pressure of shedding light on this now because it is in conflict with my desire to learn. I cannot learn without trying. Learning is empowering, not limiting. So what if I make a mistake along the way. I can learn from it and grow.

There we go, the vapor has found its escape hole. Logic and emotion have combined to embrace a growth mindset. Understanding, the core of this is hard to admit because it seems external to myself. I am blaming others at the same time blaming myself for allowing their opinions of me discourage my explorations and learning process.

I’m afraid of judgments from others? The habit is in allowing limiting beliefs become a security blanket, an excuse for not trying, for not getting out of old comfort zones, for not growing… it is in direct conflict with my desire to explore and experience everything. I must remind myself it’s ok if others don’t approve. Their approval has nothing to do with my desire or ability to learn and grow. I hear my courage mantra from deep in the back of my head and it’s coming on stronger with each repeated shout from within me… now it’s coming from my heart, feeling tight and feeling like it’s tearing free from a tissue paper prison… ripping up, ripping through, shouting with greater and greater clarity… “JUST DO IT! For the love of God, Just Do It!!!”

2-What is the opposite of a life of regret?

Satisfaction. Like eating a delicious meal and feeling that it will digest completely and without gas or gurgles. I want to taste everything and experience everything… challenge me to grow emotionally & experientially. I love being able to say I tried it. A life without regret for me would be a life without having to admit I don’t know. Yuck, that upsets my stomach… I’m not digesting that well. Logically, it would be impossible for me to try everything, learn everything, experience everything, master everything… I can’t know everything; I can share my experience of things I’ve experienced. That’s all I can do. So, a life without regret would be a life without envy??? No, a life with gratitude for an infinite possibility of experiences yet to have. I don’t know, yet! I haven’t tried that, yet! I haven’t experienced that, yet.

A life without regret is a life of gratitude for what I have already, a life where I can be happy for others experiences without feeling envious or jealous about what they have. A life without regret is a life without judgment & self-recrimination.

The opposite of regret is gratitude!!!

3- Give examples of why I hate to Lose and why I feel I’m in this category?

In my head, I’m not sure this is where I am. My gut doesn’t feel comfortable about not wanting to lose. Right now, it feels more accurate to say I’m in an “I love to Lose” mindset. I tend to give into other’s opinions, want to avoid all confrontations, listen to my self-defeating voice to justify not speaking up… to avoid the possibility of having to defend my opinions… You know what? It’s only my opinion and these are based on my current experience. How beautiful can it be to learn more than what I already do? I call myself a learner and strive to live a growth-mindset, so right or wrong, I will win and learn from expressing myself. WOW, I just felt a rush to my head… a feeling of joy and elation. Remember Mario, when the urge to argue someone’s point of view, I can always choose to ask them: “How so?” and then listen for the learning moment. I will learn something new, or that I am correct, or that I can choose empathy towards the person in front of me or something unexpected… in all cases, I can learn something that helps me grow!!!

So, where do I want to be? In the I love to Win quadrant! I win by learning! The growth mindset always gives me a win! I love to win!!!

4- Define: I am a Grateful Successographer.

I accept my patterns of envy have limited my growth in the past and that I have nothing to fear, nor any logical reason to compare my current self to that of others. I didn’t have their journey, so I don’t share their experience. I have my experience and my reality is my own. They may have learned valuable lessons that I can also grow from. Within their stories lies possibilities for wisdom and their successes inspire me and often motivate me to reach farther. I have always started my learning from others. I have always made choices to push past what I’ve learned, or to move on to other things. Nothing has ever been lost. I am so very often amazed and elated to remember and connect experiences to find greater understanding of life. I am so grateful for my curiosity. I am so grateful that I have a passion for writing about my discoveries. I am so thankful that I love sharing stories about passion. I’m grateful for the realization that people have passion and the expression of those passions are lessons of success… lessons we can all learn from. I am blessed to have an awareness of my passion for telling stories. I am thankful for my excitement at telling these stories. I am very grateful for relating people’s successes in a way that I feel is unique to me. I am grateful for being able to connect with people and tell their stories. I am a grateful biographer of passion & success stories. I am grateful for being a successographer.