Day 7 – May 29th, 2017
WELCOME TO THE CONTINUING OBSERVATIONS THAT FOLLOW THE DISCUSSIONS SESSIONS BETWEEN MYSELF AND MY MENTOR, BEREL M. WEINER FOR OUR BOOK PROJECT TENTATIVELY CALLED: “THE LADDER OF AWARENESS: THE PROCESS OF BEING YOUR TRUTH.”
THESE ARE MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS FOLLOWING EACH SESSION AND HAVE ALREADY BEGUN TO CHANGE WITH EACH NEW WEEK OF DISCUSSION. SOME OF MY NOTES ARE RAW AND VULNERABLE, WHICH IS VALUABLE TO THE METHOD. I ASK YOU TO BE PATIENT WITH YOUR COMMENTS AS THE PROCESS WILL REVEAL ITSELF IN THE END. YOUR FEEDBACK IS VERY WELCOME AND WE ENCOURAGE YOU TO WRITE THEM FROM A PLACE OF FEELINGS, INSTEAD OF THOUGHTS.
Into the method…
1) Where I am right now:
Struggling for money, struggling to be a better listener, struggling with being clear with myself about what I want, and struggling with self-forgiveness.
What do I get from all these together is I’m struggling. It’s the ‘poor me’ conversation I have with myself, externalized. It’s not me, it’s my Martyr Mario speaking.
2) What my ideal life looks like:
Freedom to travel & explore the world, freedom to buy & give gifts without concern of cost or reaction, acknowledgment as a leader, teacher, and creator, freedom to laugh openly, without concern that others may not find the same thing funny, and total self-acceptance.
What I get from all this together is are feelings of restriction and under-appreciation. Again, it’s the view from deep in my pity pot. Come on in and join me in a rousing chorus of: “Poor me!” Again, it’s the Martyr speaking for me.
Realization: I’m not the one speaking, it’s the Martyr Mario.
It’s amazingly freeing to realize that there is a bastard running my life, up until now. I’ve been taking a back seat to this a**hole and I see him cowering around the corner. He is a bully and like all bullies; he shrinks runs away when confronted. The lights and the camera are on you now, Martyr Mario. I know you are going to try to jump in again at every opportunity, but I see you now. There’s no unseeing you ever again. I see you coming.
i) Is he an expert at struggling? Why?
Without something to give-up on, he can’t get sympathy, he can’t cry “Oh, poor me!” So, he fills every situation with drama and fear, creating the sense of a struggle. He’s found many subtle ways of installing struggle where none was before. His struggle is equal to defeat and quitting. He has turned failure into giving up without a fight. He has actually killed the struggle and turned it into inaction. Without inaction, he doesn’t survive. Every action has a result. That result is the antithesis of inaction. He isn’t an expert at struggling. He is a failure at it because he is an expert at giving up. Bless him and always watch out for his tricks. They are much more obvious now.
ii) He feeds on rejection. Why?
Because it validates his struggle and misery. He actively creates scenarios to get rejected, and when that doesn’t seem possible he has rejected himself, then projected that rejection onto others, even before they have made any judgment whatsoever; Thus creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
iii) He is all ego and it’s strong! Why?
Possibly because it is pure ego, in that it only knows itself and its perceptions of the world. Without its identity, it stops existing and it craves to exist because it can conceive of no other options.
iv) He is my black wolf. Why?
Because feeding it gives me excuses for not failing. It had become so strong that it could no longer allow the possibility of learning from results. It could only embrace the absolutism of failure. It gave up before doing, to assure that it was correct about the outcome. It and I both KNOW, the surest way to fail is not to try. However, I know the surest way to get closer to success is to try, see the results, and then adjust as needed until you get there
Consider: Rejection is an interpretation!
Hmmm… An interpretation of what? I can see rejection as a challenge to my action. That challenge could also be interpreted as a request for greater understanding, a sharing of alternate knowledge or possibilities, and a gift of self-reflection & clarification of the thoughts behind the action. Rejection could be interpreted as a result and a starting point for adjusting methods and actions. Rejection is a sign of potential growth, not a burial or end in itself.
Why did I tolerate my martyr running the show?
I don’t know. I had a habit of standing behind the martyr so often that it became the voice of my expression. I see it now and I can’t un-see it. It feels more genuine to say it ran its show and I allowed it to run its show. It never ran my show, nor did I. The real question would be “Why didn’t I run my show”?
I don’t know that either. Every time I try to answer it, I hear the martyr speaking about insecurities, making excuses, and getting smaller to get sympathy, but not answers. It doesn’t feel like me. I’m forging a new habit now. One of learning how to do it and this seems to follow my new habit of asking myself “why not just do it?”
Realization: I am not the martyr!
While I’m curious to know more about this martyr and its strengths, I want to know more about me instead. I am gratefully amazed that I cannot become unaware of the martyr since I have become aware of it. Self-awareness is an amazing aha moment for me and I’m swimming in it and hungry for more.
Consider: The Martyr was blocking my ability to be grateful. Why?
If nothing I have or do is good enough, the Martyr can ask for pity. Pity is the attention the Martyr loves the most. Not only does it motivate the Martyr to block acceptance, gratitude, and happiness, it also gives it an excuse to make no efforts. Without risk, there is no failure.
As I now know and accept: Without risk, there is no action. Without action, there are no results. Without results, there is neither failure nor success. Without results, there is no opportunity to learn and grow. Without the chance to grow, there is nothing to gauge possibility against and that leads to hopelessness. The Martyr thrives on hopelessness.
True hope brings me feelings of bliss, joy, and accomplishment. It feels good. It feels energizing. It feels creative. It feels powerful. It is the feeling of my peak experience.
What in my mind and in my body is stopping me from having a peak experience?
I could ruminate on this and easily overthink it, but the answer came screaming up from my gut just now. The Martyr has stopped me because I chose to be unaware of him. I now choose to feel my peak experience and have that feeling in all my actions. Awareness is the key!
Definition of Peak Experience:
My peak experience feels the same as when I’m lost in my artwork, my liminal state.
My peak experience feels like when my daughter expresses wonderment & pride simultaneously in something she’s accomplished. Her successes fill me completely with joy, bliss, and love.
My peak experience is having simultaneous AHA moments with others. That sense of connection is pure love.
Consider: “I am ashamed that I don’t know what I want.” Why?
First, ashamed is a very strong word and I’m not sure it applied at the moment I said it. I feel embarrassed that I don’t say what I want. Moreover, I’ve felt embarrassed that I hadn’t contemplated it.
Hmmm…. The real question is why don’t I consider what I want?
I’m happy with much of what I have. I’m complacent about a few things too. I am downright comfortable with the status quo on other aspects of my life. There’s a voice inside trying to convince me it’s wrong to want more when I’m not expressing gratitude for what I have. I’m happy with what I have and often feel just fine not having more. So, what is this stupid voice talking about? It isn’t gratitude; It’s ambition.
Hmmm….. Am I ashamed of my lack of ambition?
No, this feels wrong. I’m ashamed of my lack of ambition for what others want from me. My ambitions are Big Hairy Audacious Dreams! Logically, it is hard to imagine everyone accepting them. I get massive enjoyment from daydreaming about these BHADs. They feel awesome. They’re daunting but never impossible. I’ve learned and continue to practice not sharing these BHADs with everyone. Only those who will elevate them and me to even higher levels. I’m learning and continue to practice sharing these BHADs when they come to fruition or when I feel the person I’m sharing them with can help me accomplish them.
I revealed an early message that imprinted and was reinforced many times through my life, possibly because I invited it. The message was: “Stop dreaming, it’s not pragmatic”.
Hmmm: I’m not the one speaking, it’s Pragmatic Mario. Explain why & how?
That other voice warning me to stay practical, pragmatic, & small. That other voice that is afraid to try anything new, or reach for anything big. It’s not the shame that motivates this limiting voice. It’s all fear. Fear of rejection, embarrassment, and humiliation. I think this is the most frustrating voice of all and the one that niggled at me until I gave up. It’s a strong voice and I am not aware of it as well. It now feels different to say “Yes & OK” to requests that take me outside my comfort zone. I’m still a little anxious, but I now feel the counter-voice motivating me with “Why not?”. I love this counter-voice.
Consider: “I am ashamed that I want too much” Why?
Because it brings me a feeling of being selfish and I don’t want to be selfish. I want to focus my attention on these BHADs and that will take time away from others. I don’t want others to feel ignored or bad. In doing this I am not giving showing them or the universe that I truly desire these massive dreams. I’ve not shown my true passions, nor shared what I really want.
I don’t want too much. I’ve wanted too little and deprived others of my success.
Ok, I’m ruminating again, but this thought will come up again. There’s a root cause for this and I will find it. It feels a little different from the Martyr. What is this Selfish Mario?
Realization: I’m not the one speaking, it’s Selfish Mario. Explain why & how?
Similar to the Martyr, the Selfish Mario wants to get pity for not following his own dreams. There’s a voice inside me that keeps saying: “But, I will share my fortune with others.” I can’t stand the idea of having it all to myself. I need to share it. I admit I want to show off and brag a little, and I want to do it by sharing my fortune with others.
Why the hell not?!?
I worked hard, I followed my big dreams. I want to motivate others to greater heights. I feel great about sharing and giving. So, there is no reason why not!
Realization: This explains why I haven’t fully embraced abundance. How?
I’ve equated sharing my fortune with bragging and haven’t accepted that my form of sharing doesn’t mean rubbing people’s faces in my success. I really desire taking care and treating others without being concerned about cost. I’m not accepting my desire to show off and share my fortune, so I refuse abundance to avoid the shame of bragging. I’ve also not allowed myself to desire the symbols of fortune. This is false humility. I can easily give without expectation, other than asking for the permission to give. In regards to shame, it is only that I don’t always see what I can give. I can trust in the universe to supply that answer to.
Why I’m not living my ideal life already:
There are the 3 Limiting personalities living in me. I’ve allowed myself to become unaware of them until recently, and now I can no longer be unaware.
I see you all now for what you are, you bunch of bullies! F*** you! You are not the real me!
1- The Martyr Mario => who wants misery and resists happiness, or ceases to exist.
2- The Selfish Mario => who refuses to believe in infinite abundance and has a fixed mindset.
3- The Pragmatic Mario => who puts shame on dreams and fears growth.
I am part of everything now and the energy of the infinite abundance wants to run through me. I’ve taken the first steps away from you, opened the doors for the flow to run freely, and started allowing the true me to grow in the flow.
Deeper into the method – Berel’s notes on the above discoveries:
Core question: Why don’t I have what I want?
Answer 1) It’s not meant to be.
If it were, I would have it.
I haven’t asked for it.
It leads to compromise.
The Martyr Mario: It’s not what somebody I love wants.
I’m not reaching for it.
The realization that the martyr had taken over, and I stopped making excuses, dug deep and felt for the true answer.
Truth: I haven’t had the balls to do it, pursue it, get it.
I say this without shame or judgment. I haven’t, not I can’t.
Now, I can.
Note: A wave of relief washed over me admitting to myself that I didn’t have the courage to try. I feel judgment has been released and it now feels like fact. In other words, it’s a result from which I can take further action. It’s no longer a limiting statement, it motivates me towards an action, regardless what that action is.
Answer 2) I simply haven’t wanted it enough.
It’s not what I really wanted.
I set goals I really didn’t want.
The Selfish Mario: I’m ashamed that I want too much.
I have a desire to atone for something.
I’m ashamed of what I want.
Why I’m avoiding happiness and joy.
There’s a note here about the goal of this part of the method: Get me on the hook. No finger pointing, just the facts.
Answer 3) I haven’t put it in my plan.
I don’t want to be disturbed.
I’m happy doing what I’m doing.
I’m not living in the present.
I’m focusing on the past.
I don’t dream big because I have to be pragmatic.
What does being pragmatic evoke?
Being boring, unimaginative, safe, and scared.
This doesn’t align with who I want to be.
Pragmatic Mario isn’t me!
Focus on my ideal life: What would drive me crazy with happiness?
Building a legacy of tremendous proportions. Changing the world in a self-defined profound way. Creating beauty that everyone can see.
Specifically: Having my art in several of the major museums of the world and in teaching books that inspire the next generation of artists. Having several bestselling books inspiring people all over the planet. Designing & building a public space that inspires people to be creative. Inspiring creative minds and inventive geniuses to build a better world by improving ours.
The exorcism of the Martyr!
Since discovering the Martyr, I hear and see him in most of my thoughts. Like a bad habit, I will not be able to get rid of him, but I am replacing him with better practices and thoughts. I am keeping the light on him! I feel that the Martyr must serve a purpose and can be a motivating influence in growth. I now hear it as the voice of “I don’t want” and that comes along with the encouraging voices of “You can overcome the fear”, “there’s always a possibility”, and “where there’s a will, there’s a way”. I choose my will, no other voice controls that now. I accept the outcomes of my decisions and I choose how to react to those results. The only true failure is taking no action.
Next week: A segment on how to change the habit of rumination and over thinking.
Until next week, how do you change your habits?