On day 2 I admitted being at a loss for what to write and I haven’t been without a topic since… until today. I feel that I’ve been a little off the last couple of days…. not sure what to do with this desire to write, where to aim the energy and uncertainty about what to do next. Before I try my usual tricks of meditation, and calling on the archangels, let me share a few random thoughts on my process.It’s becoming clear that I write best first thing in the morning, before I get sidetracked by other thoughts and conversations. I wonder if most writers have special times when they focus best. My gut was telling me to jump into my writing this morning before going out to a meeting, but I chose to ignore that feeling and do stuff that could have waited until later in the day. The universe really has no problem telling “I told you so” whenever I don’t listen. Thank goodness I’m getting better at hearing the I told you so’s”.
However, after not listening, I left to my meeting with a feeling of uncertainty and it got worst during the meeting. I met with a friend who was asking me questions about what I wanted to do and offering to help me, based on some things I’d said previously. We have been planning to do a podcast together and I was to be the first one he interviewed for it. He was asking me about being a personal educator, that he had done a little research on this label, and found very little to create an interview on. I don’t feel that being a personal educator resonates with what I’ve been writing about lately, but I tried to see myself as such, because he put some time into it for me. I felt bad to have wasted his time. Something in me found the courage to say this wasn’t how I was seeing myself right now.
I wanted to talk out my recent process and discovery towards being a writer. Somehow we landed on another title that I didn’t relate to either. It was then I stopped listening to his coaching. He was trying to teach me about the interview process and I had to focus hard not to fall into a pattern of taking what was said literally, instead of it being an example. You see, I feel I’m only just starting to define what I want to be, so I’m probably still in a fragile state about it. I expressed that I was very much enjoying the writing and what I was discovering about myself through it. He ventured more advice and I listened to him, instead of fully to myself. A great reminder to me of not giving advice, unless it’s asked for.
I started feeling doubt as he was telling me how hard to was to be a journalist, how one needs an editor, how there’s no money, how one must demand respect first, etc… I know this friend and I trust his advice was given from a sincere desire to help. I also know that I must remind myself that he is relating his personal experiences, and that I never really said I desired to be a journalist. My failing was to not yet being comfortable expressing my journey or desired destination. My second failing was in momentarily letting go of the thrill I’ve experienced these last few weeks writing and letting the universe inspire me.
I appreciate my friends very deeply and I am grateful for his advice and all the help he wanted to give me. I learned a little more about myself today and I’m very proud to be able to see it from the outside. I haven’t defined myself, and I don’t feel a need to at this time. I don’t mean to be rude about it, but all that I’m learning in regards to being a multipotentialite is really building my self-confidence. I know exactly when the conversation was over and I left it. I still need to work on letting the other person know that. It will come as I get better expressing my passions and accepting that I have little need of defining myself or labeling myself to others. I enjoy learning, I enjoy listening, and I enjoy sharing. Right now that is more than enough. It’s will get more definite as I progress through this chapter of my life.
In chapter 3 of The Renaissance Soul, Margaret Lobenstine challenges us with an exercise geared to better appreciate our multi-faceted interests and potentially how to fine tune them into a career or vocation. The first exercise was her “Five from Fifty” Were I was given a list of fifty abstract concepts and asked to choose only five that I felt held important values for myself right now. I ended up with Creativity, Freedom, Love, Money, & Recognition. When I revisited it this morning, I realized that Learning is also very important to me right now, perhaps even more than recognition. Here’s why I chose these:
Creativity – I want to the freedom to express myself and explore & play with materials. I enjoy the process of making and that it is something I do well, where many people feel they cannot do at all. It is a point of self-esteem for me… If I’m honest, it’s a point of pride that shields me from low self-esteem.
Freedom – I take this to be defined as financial freedom. I quickly realized that this is a negative in my mind and I must revisit Jen Sincero’s chapter on building an honest relationship with money in her amazing book “You are a badass”. I accept that this is also a little of my desire to have the freedom to travel, be creative, help others, and buy what I feel like, without worrying if I can afford it. Back to Jen’s book for me!
Love – To be honest, I didn’t put too much thought into this one. I just know that I would feel desperately lonely without feeling loved and being able to love. I don’t want to feel lonely. This one may be a core value… even if it is intertwined with others, like recognition.
Money – Well, this could also mean freedom, because I feel it would give me what I want from my description of Freedom. I’m putting this out to the universe as often as possible, so I can manifest it. And yes, I hear the voices telling me that I know what I need to do to get it, including adding the Donate button to this blog, as a kind reader asked me for.
Recognition – Part of me believes that I’m doing all this soul searching and then sharing it, because I want to be recognized. My talk with my friend this morning showed me that I haven’t decided what I want to be recognized for, yet. Right now, I’m enjoying this journey more than any need to know the actual destination. So, I believe I can replace this one with…
Learning – I am loving all the new stuff I’m learning about the world, about myself, and about others. It’s stimulating, and inspiring me to write and take action. It’s also filling me with a strong desire share it all in writing.
Her second exercise was called “Many Circles”, in which we are asked to rank in order of importance, ten possible life goals. Afterwards we would connect this with our Five concepts to get a better sense of what we need to do next. I ranked them once, then again in a different order, then I looked at them again this afternoon, before writing this… I’m not sure I got them right for me yet. So, I will leave them aside for one more night and redo this tomorrow morning, along with the third challenge: Throwing myself a birthday party – inviting the people I want to hear from most and then writing the toast I want to hear them say about me… Oomph! This one stopped me in my tracks, but not for long. I’ll give you more on these two exercises tomorrow.