Welcome to the continuing observations that follow the discussions sessions between myself and my mentor, Berel M. Weiner for our book project tentatively called: “The Ladder of Awareness: The Process of Being Your Truth.”
These are my thoughts and feelings following each session and have already begun to change with each new week of discussion. Some of my notes are raw and vulnerable, which is valuable to the method. I ask you to be patient with your comments as the process will reveal itself in the end. Your feedback is very welcome and we encourage you to write them from a place of feelings, instead of thoughts.
Day 4 – May 11th, 2017
1 – What is mischievous joy?
Equal parts knowing and not knowing. When I want to have fun being clever instead of being direct in getting information. Why?
I can playfully hide my ignorance and challenge others with the intention of being non-offensive. Why?
To protect me and not hurt someone else’s feelings. Why?
Because my feelings get hurt when I don’t know something. Why?
I don’t like looking stupid. Why?
I like feeling smart. Why?
To accept myself as I want to be, not as I am. Why?
Because I am not perfect. Why?
Because I’m a work in progress. Why?
Because I’ve told the universe I love to learn and it has answered me with endless opportunities to learn.
Ooof! This gives me a stomach ache. Why?
Because I am getting exactly what I’m asking for and it scares me to think I have that much power. Is this true?
Because I have to take the responsibility for my success by asking for it. Is this true?
Because I’m afraid of success. Why?
I don’t know. Is this true?
I’m actually afraid of the truth. The truth of already having what I’ve asked for.
I am really resisting this… Why?
Because I don’t know what’s next. And?
I’m scared, in my belly, there are knots building. I’m afraid to push further on this. I’m resisting it, but I know there’s something deeper to see. I want to see it, but I don’t.
I am responsible for who I am!
Blame & shame!!! This feels terrible!
Admitting being good at something means sharing it with the world and using it for the good of mankind! Can I use this for the good of everyone?
I don’t know, but I must embrace the possibility and give it my all.
The pressure in my belly just lifted and a wave of elation rushed up through my head and released from me. My fear is still here, but the compulsion to do it anyway is also here!
I must pursue my passions. I must use my skills and improve when the opportunity presents itself.
The opportunity always presents itself, because I am always asking for it.
Wow, I feel grateful that the universe keeps answering my request, even when I don’t always use the answer.
I’m very emotional right now.
I feel something big is being revealed. I fell I am being. I feel I am being. I feel I am… ripping open a door to more possibilities. I feel I am being.
I feel hope.
2 – What is infectious hope?
Sharing and embracing the pure joy of possibilities. When it doesn’t matter how impossible something might be, just bathing in the options, letting my imagination run wild with excitement and possibilities. Letting go of what might happen and embracing the freedom of trying, of exploring, of learning, of experiencing.
Infectious hope is the feeling of freedom to do everything!
Infectious hope is freedom!
3 – Love sets off a chain reaction of more love, hugs, smiles and hope!
I once watched a video on Facebook that went viral. It showed how a smile spreads. Smile at someone and that love will get passed on, without thought, without planning, without intention. Love sets of the chain reaction, like a physical force, a law of nature, a law of physics. When I see this chain reaction in practice, I feel overwhelmed with the hope that love will always win over fear.
4 – I inspire growth by being inspired to grow.
I allow myself, almost always without any effort or thought, to get inspired by learning and knowledge. I love living in a sense of wonder. When I’m in this state, my inner child shines with excitement and that is infectious. When I reach out to grow, I do it with a passion that inspires those who are on a growth journey, regardless of what stage they are on, to want to learn more.
I lead from the front on this point and I love being a learner, for myself first, and as an example to others that growth is fun. The possibility and hope of using what I experience to learn whatever I can.
What is the opposite of Growth?
My desire to learn a little of everything, and often without the depth of obsessive focus towards mastery, is why I am…
I don’t want nor feel the need to complete this sentence. I want no end to learning, so I choose to master nothing. The openness of unfinished learning means I can always learn more.
5 – Optimism is my default state, because of my unlimited dreams.
I really cannot stomach the alternative. It always feels bad in my head, thoughts, heart and belly to be pessimistic. I believe it is my sigh for knowing it’s bad for me. I love being habitual about seeing the bright side of things. The Monty Python song: “ “Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life” often sings merrily in my head, only replaced by Bobby McFerrin’s “Don’t Worry, Be happy!” on occasion.
6 – My BHAD (big hairy audacious dream):
To inspire the world where everyone experiences and expresses fundamental love, peace, and hope.
I was about to write, “as I’ve read in many books…”, and a wave of awareness overcame me. I know I am being truthful to myself when I’m in a state of optimism when I’m giving love, being helpful, caring, generous, and kind. When I can be a hug. I am what I am.
7 – A-Ha!
I feel overwhelmed with deep gratitude because I’ve created a world of peace, love, joy, and hope. I have been accepting acknowledgment of the love I want for this world, the love I model and the love I give. I have had a habit of not acknowledging it, and I am replacing that habit with being grateful for… being grateful.
This made me smile all over!
8 – Explore this “why”: I reached someone! I did it!
Ok, I love the feeling of making a positive change in the lives of others. I can’t say with any conviction: “I don’t care.” I always care, once I’m aware of something. I choose how to act upon my awareness, but I always care. I like caring.
It feels good.
9 – Consider: I acknowledge I am doing amazing things for my world. I can’t deny it anymore.
In searching for a statement that feels right in my gut, I am paraphrasing a quote I had taped to my vision board a while back.
I have a responsibility to the world to be the best I can be. Everything happens for a reason, when and how it should. The best I have to offer will help someone and that will spread out like ripples from a stone thrown in a pond. And, like in a pond, when those ripples, however imperceptible they may be to us, reach the shores, they will ripple back, even if we can’t see it. Everything is everything.
Everything I do causes ripples out and back, even when I can’t see it. That is an amazing power to feel and I choose to be action and cause ripples. The universe will take care to send them where they are needed the most.
10 – The trigger for my truth: “My gut is my truth.”
When I feel it in my gut, an expanding energy, that is a sign of truth in my thoughts and feelings.
The process of the Ladder has allowed me to focus on feeling, over thinking, to find my truths. I have found feeling in three main places that I believe I understand. My gut often fills with pressure and contracts inward. This feels strong, almost like anxiety. It reveals a resistance, and also urges me on through what feels like fear. It’s neither a good or bad feeling. I’ve accepted it as a sign to push deeper and further. The second is my chest. I used to feel most of my anxiety there and came to associate my asthma with my insecurity. The constricting of my chest now shows up much less. I’ve allowed the feeling to show in my stomach and I believe it has to do with self-acceptance. This is an awesome sign that is helping me build awareness of negative self-talk and how to know it is false or truth. The feelings reveal truths, the self-talk is thoughts to protect me from them. I am enjoying more and more a-ha moments when I uncover and dispel old-pattern self-lies. My gut usually jumps in with some feeling and I now choose to listen when my gut speaks. I have faith that understanding always follows awareness, so I am letting go of the anxiety too.
The final sensation place is on my face. I feel like I’m blushing from a happy excitement. It’s a very emotional feeling. I believe it’s called elation. I believe this is my strongest sign of truth. It is so much joy, that I want to cry.
PS: I really love this feeling!
11 – Explore: I am a planter of seeds.
I believe this is part of my mischievous joy. I love the justification of knowing a little of everything. I’m not sure if it’s having the wisdom to connect the dots or the courage to ask the question: “Have you considered…?” The latter feels really nice, so I’ll go with that. I like being courageous. I am courageous!
12 – Explore: I am in contact with creators who will bring to life what I know is truth in my gut.
I am grateful to the universe for guiding me to this point in my life. For gearing me out of my comfort zone, to becoming a networker, a friend, a coach, a collaborator… all these and more continue to bring me in contact with amazing creators, thought leaders, and drivers. All this to fuel one of my favorite questions: “Have you considered…?” I love this.
13 – Consider: I am excited to be part of changes that benefit and grow humanity.
Questions 11, 12, and 13 are all the same questions. I am inspired when I see exciting news and I want to be part of it. I send out to the universe my desire and opportunities to contribute arise. I am grateful to be part of change.
14 – Truth Statement: “I am endlessly privileged to plant seeds and ideas that will benefit our whole planet.”
I’m not convinced this is a truth statement anymore. I’m not privileged at all. Privilege feels like I should have it. I feel it would be more authentic to say I am grateful to plant seeds and ideas that benefit others, including myself. Hmmm… I am grateful for continuing to plant seeds and ideas that benefit our world. I am grateful for continuing to make a difference.
Hmmm! Now this feels strong and really f***ink awesome!
15 – Consider: Hope comes from the belief in endless possibility.
This is another way to define my default state. I am passionate about looking for the bright side, for the other option. The word possibility is a very, very powerful emotion word for me.
16 – Consider abundance:
i) I keep receiving because my container is always big enough.
Feelings of joy radiate out of me when I make this statement.
ii) I am not a container; I am abundance, endless, and infinite.
Feelings of hope lighten me when I imagine being part of the flow.
My awareness of all the abundance around me increases every day. The habit of being continually amazed or being in a state of wonderment is pure joy. It confirms abundance.
17 – I teach others to inspire.
i) It’s being part of the universal flow.
Sharing releases the energy inside of me and allows me to receive more.
ii) I see my fingerprint on everything because I am part of everything.
This is a fun and joyful feeling. When I recognize everything, it celebrates the accomplishment. I’ve learned something in my experiences that allowed me to recognize that thing.
iii) I am always connected to everything.
I accept being part of everything. I am considering what to do with this knowledge. What power is in this knowledge and what responsibility?
The everything will show me. I have faith. I have hope.
iv) I always have the opportunity to grow. (inward abundance)
I believe everything happens for a reason and I have a purpose in it. It feels awesome to keep learning and I am grateful for the continuing amazement of the path that is revealing itself in front of me. Always one step at a time; Always with obvious connections, in retrospect. I am relieved to let go and allow the universal flow guide me to where I need to be.
v) I keep letting go without concern of becoming empty because there’s always more. (outward abundance)
I’m at a point where I have so much, I find I am disciplining myself to take action. Just that, take action with many possible choices. Each feeling productive and part of a greater purpose. I am also grateful for the strong icky feelings of taking inaction and unproductive procrastination. I know when I’m doing what’s good for me.